* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Tampax did change the string for tinsel-but they're back to normal now because it was for the christmas period only
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a leg spreader house. When they arrived at the house, the Madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put a doll in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said,
"I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned. How was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"
These are all new slang entries for Collins dictionary next year -
GOING FOR A Mcnuts: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply
staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food
afterwards. That is a Mcnuts with Lies.
AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a
'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
after a booze cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where
you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BREAKING THE SEAL Your first pi$$ in the pub, usually after 2 hours of
drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the
night.
BRITNEY SPEARS Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys
please, Doreen".
DRINK-LINK A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because
it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
SSSSSSSSSSHHHH1111111111111TTTTTTTTTTTTT The sound made when driving
through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from
the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often
wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive
when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fu(k-all in there
worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!
Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're
in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back
in.
MYSTERY TAXI The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NELSON MANDELA Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
PICASSO AR$E A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks
like she's got four buttocks.
SALAD DODGER An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young
women.
TITANIC A lady who goes down first time out.
WALLACE AND GROMIT Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WYNONA RYDER Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a
Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"
One day a woman went to the doctors. She told her doctor that her and her husband wasn't having a good relationship in bed. So the doctor gave her some viagra pills. The doctor said to give two pills to her husband when they wanted to have sex. And told her to come back the next day.
So the next day she came back saying "Wow, that was great. What if i gave him 5 pills?"
The doctor replied, "Well I wouldn't do it but I guess you can but be sure you come back the next day."
So she gave him 5 pills. She came back the next day with crouches saying, "Damn! That was the best sex I ever had. What if I gave him the hole bottle?"
The doctor said, "I highly not recommed that but, you can give it a try but be back tomorrow!"
So the next day a little boy came in. He asked, "Are you the lady that told my mom to give daddy those pills?"
She replied, "Yes"
The little boy went on her counter and slapped her across the face saying, "You pregnant dog!!! Because of you my mom is dead, my sister is pregant. I disagree hurts, and my daddy is going around the house saying, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
3. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
6. There go the lights again...
7. "You know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em."
8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.
10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
11. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
14. What do you mean "You want a divorce!"
15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
17. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time.
18. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone...
19. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.
Young Jimmy is absent from school one day. On his return,his teacher asks:"We did'nt see you in class - what was wrong with you yesterday Jimmy"?
"My daddy got burned miss " says Jimmy.
Taken aback, the teacher replies, "Thats a shame, Jimmy,Was he badly burnt"?
Jimmy looks at her. "well,they don't mess about at the crematorium, miss."
Two aerials got married last week. The ceromy was a real disaster..... but the reception was brilliant!
LMFAO...............I LOVE BUSH!!
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.
...- all old but still able to raise a smile!)
20 Things To Do In The McDonalds Drive-thru Lane
10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."
Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule
And I'm not gay, you silly goose!
LOL Harri - what do you drink ::) ;D
2nd girl's turn, she said " I took the wrong train home, spent £35 on a taxi, and then had to smash the hall window to get in as I couldn't fund my keys!"
Don't know if Im allowed to post this cos not strictly a joke, it did actually happen, but I p***ed myself laughing.
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The
DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly
personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone
number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win
the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big
Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is
possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with Us for a
couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "That's great?? That is more adventure than the previous Hundred times
I've done it. Okay folks, I
will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You
listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of
hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's
answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on
us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last
question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast.
Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break" _
JELLY BABY:Doctor doctor can you give me something for crabs
DR:My my what have you been upto??
JELLY BABY:F*****G allsorts
A rabbit runs into a bar and goes straight up to the barman.
Rabbit: You got any bread?
Barman: No.
Rabbit: You got any bread?
Barman: No.
Rabbit: You got any bread?
Barman: I said No!
Rabbit: You got any bread?
Barman: No! I don't sell bread! No!
Rabbit: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me that again, I'm gonna nail your paws to the counter!
Rabbit: You got any nails?
Barman: No.
Rabbit: You got any bread?
::) :-\ ::) :-\
What do you call 20 Mancunians in a filing cabinet?
Sorted!
*Note to moderators, this is the cleaned up version ;D*
Would you agree that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
I heard that Tampax are launching a special edition version with a piece of holly attached to it, only available for the Christmas period.
A man driving home from a Christmas party is pulled over by the Police.
The officer goes up to the man's car window and says "Evening sir, Have you been drinking tonight?"
"Why do you ask?" says the man, "Is there a fat, ugly bird in the car with me?"
Andy those are apalling! ::)
(Give up now. I'm female. You'll never get the last word! ;))
Sorry, I think the Asia disaster is too serious and too recent to crack any jokes about, can they be removed please, I find them very offensive.
Thanks Andrew, it's not often I complain but this was a bit too much.Well of course something made her look odd...come now Cam...you will be posting said disclaimer all of the time.
BTW, the jokes were on page 33 between Cleo's two posts at the bottom, because they've been removed it makes her look a bit odd, laughing and then not laughing ::) ;D
Misunderstanding is a terrible thing ::)Mr. Understanding, her younger brother by 4 years, is not so bad...
Misunderstanding is a terrible thing ::)Mr. Understanding, her younger brother by 4 years, is not so bad...
Misunderstanding is a terrible thing ::)Mr. Understanding, her younger brother by 4 years, is not so bad...
Not to mention her cousin ... Mistake ;)
Misunderstanding is a terrible thing ::)Mr. Understanding, her younger brother by 4 years, is not so bad...
Not to mention her cousin ... Mistake ;)
Don't you mean Mis Demeanour Shy? :o ;D
Misunderstanding is a terrible thing ::)Mr. Understanding, her younger brother by 4 years, is not so bad...
Not to mention her cousin ... Mistake ;)
Don't you mean Mis Demeanour Shy? :o ;D
I was using her maiden name ::)
I always thought that her older sister Mis Conduct .. was Gross ;D
I could never understand her other sister Mis Interpret ....
Wasnt Mis Take the convicted thief?
Then there was her gullable aunt Mis Led ;)
Wasnt Mis Take the convicted thief?
Then there was her gullable aunt Mis Led ;)
No it was Mis Took who was Mistaken for Mis Take.
Mis Led was just Mis Directed while going out on her (lesbian friend) Mis Sion.
And of course earlier the Pete Burns lookalike Mr Meanour - (often Mis Took thought he was a Mis ;) ) was seen to be mixing with Mis Adventure ...
It's a bit hit and mis ... I know ;D
Now correct me if im wrong here but I always thought Mis Directed wasin actual fact an alias for Mis Aligned?
Now correct me if im wrong here but I always thought Mis Directed wasin actual fact an alias for Mis Aligned?
Have you been talking to Mis Informed?
Now correct me if im wrong here but I always thought Mis Directed wasin actual fact an alias for Mis Aligned?
Have you been talking to Mis Informed?
He could have just Mis Heard something...
Actually I read it somewhere. I think it was the wok of Mis Spell which would explain the confusion ???
I think it was the wok of Mis Spell which would explain the confusion ???
Actually I read it somewhere. I think it was the wok of Mis Spell which would explain the confusion ???
could you possibly have Mis Read it?
and did she do much Chinese cooking? pmsl
You spotted it you bugger before I had a chance to mod it pmsl ;D ;D ;D
You spotted it you bugger before I had a chance to mod it pmsl ;D ;D ;D
He does that... you'll get used to it soon ;) ;D
You spotted it you bugger before I had a chance to mod it pmsl ;D ;D ;D
He does that... you'll get used to it soon ;) ;D
Are you saying that SW mods his posts ?
I nearly drowned in my Muesli this morning....I got sucked under by a strong currant!*groans*
Or the dyslexic alcoholic, who choked on his own vimto.
Or the dyslexic alcoholic, who choked on his own vimto.
Or the dyslexic atheist insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog!
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his Unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his Obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect Them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzos."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete thingy like you."
A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."
A woman having her house redecorated gets a handyman in, and they're in the upstairs bedrooms at the front of the house. In the first room, the woman says to the handyman "I'd like this room painted light blue." The handyman gets a notebook out, writes 'Light Blue' in it, and then goes over to the window, opens it, shouts "GREEN SIDE UP!" and then closes the window again.
The woman thinks 'That's strange.' but doesn't question it. Then they go into the second room. "I'd like this room painted bright yellow." the woman says. The handyman writes it in his notebook, and then goes to the window, opens it, and shouts "GREEN SIDE UP!" out of it. The woman thinks 'What? Eh?' but still doesn't question it.
Then they go into the third bedroom and the woman says "Finally, I'd like this room painted pale pink." The handyman writes this down, and again goes to the window, opens it, and shouts "GREEN SIDE UP!" out of it.
The woman can no longer contain her curiosity and says, "Excuse me, Why do you keep doing that?"
The handyman says, "It's O.K. I've got a load of blondes working in the garden of the house opposite, laying turf!"
A couple decide to go for a meal and after some deliberation decide onpmsl rossco ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree
to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot
rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes
looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around
before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'
'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...
'I've brought you the Peking duck' ;D ::)
ROR ...... (thats Raff Out Roud) ;DRaff?....is that northern word, never heard that one before
Look out! There's a weak joke going over Icey's head. :)
(I think Shy was trying a comedy Chinese accent, hun... ;))
Look out! There's a weak joke going over Icey's head. :)
(I think Shy was trying a comedy Chinese accent, hun... ;))
Well spotted ViscDisc, to be fair a lot of thing may go over IMR's head ... because she is quite short ;D
Dont get it ... ???
Awww...LOL...that'd be me.... ;D
Awww...LOL...that'd be me.... ;D
Bet it wouldn't Ice.. ;) ;)
What Can You Sit down on , clean your teeth with and brush your hair with ?
Errrr Don't get it,must be thick.... ::)
A Chair, A Toothbrush and a Hair Brush ! (Courtesy of Roxanne) ;D
THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
Man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured. No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery”.. ;D ;D
PMSL ;D
Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester. Suddenly one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler which clamps its mouth around the kids neck. The other kid, seeing the danger his pal is in, picks up one of the sticks they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dogs collar, and using all his strength twists it until the dogs neck breaks and his friend is saved. This is all seen by a local newspaper reporter who sees a possible national headline in the incident, and goes over to the kids.
"That was really heroic" he says
"I can see it now 'Heroic United fan risks life to save best friend'"
"But I don't follow United" says the kid
"Ok, how about 'Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiller to save his pal'
"But I don't follow City either" says the kid
"Well who do you support" asks the reporter
"Liverpool" he says
"Even better" says the reporter "Scouse b*stard murders family pet"
English to German dictionary:
Constipation: Farfrompoopin
Car widow wipers: Flippenfloppenmuckenshpredden
Car exhaust: Fitzenpoppentuben
Near miss car accident: Dammaneernutszenselfen
Hitler: nazifokka
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
bad you could have said a nicer word than the C U NEXT TUESDAY WORD god i hate that nasty nasty word
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes
by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up and
asks..........
''How many is a Brazillion ??!
A bloke wants to have his wife assassinated so he can have the best of both worlds...His new girlfriend and the insurance from his dead wife.
He looks into hiring a hitman and is put in contact with a short, yet deadly looking man called Arty. Arty informs the man that it will cost £10,000 and that he will need some money up front as a type of down payment.
The man says to Arty that he only has £1 on him. Arty scratchy his chin and says, 'I'll take the pound'.
Later that week, the man's wife is shopping in Tesco's when Arty steps out from the fruit and veg section, grabs her by the throat and strangles her to death whilst no one is watching... At least 'no one' at first glance.
As Arty is stepping away from the body, he sees that the floor manager has seen him and Arty acts quickly... He steps up to the floor manager, and grabbing him, strangles him to death too.
Arty then makes his escape, but little does he know that he has been caught on camera and is inevitably caught later that evening.
The next day's newspaper reads...
...Arty chokes two for a pound at Tesco's.
"I asked him what to give you. He said, f**k him. Give him a fiver."
"I asked him what to give you. He said, f**k him. Give him a fiver."
FPMSL!!! :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Man goes to see the Doctor
"Doctor I think I have caught that bird flu that's going around"
"What makes you think that sir"
"Well.....I've started wearing make up, talking boll*cks and can't park the car"
A bloke walks in a bar, barman asks what he wants to drink...
"I'll have a Sol Campbell please guv",
confused,the barman replies "whats that then?"
"A quick half,then im going straight home" .....
:cheesy:
Shred - PEC's very own Essex Blonde :cheesy:
O0 :2funny: O0 :2funny: O0 :2funny: O0
Three Brill ones there
Apparently the Pakistan Cricket team have set a new world record.
They're now the only team to have won one match and still come home with the ashes
Man goes to the doctor and lists dozens of unlikely ailments he think's he's suffering from.
Doctor says: "You've got hypochondria."
Man goes: "Oh God! Not that as well!!"
Obsy :star: :star: :star: :star: :star:
LV O0
And Who the hell sat there and worked out 28mph
Must of been a right Wa**er :2funny:
Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
A. So men can understand them.
Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.
Q. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Q. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."
Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.
Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.
Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.
* Awaits my response
Whats a "thingy" ;D
...and now we know what Cleo does during the summer holidays...Stevo, are you employed in education also?
Mick Hucknell was arrested last night for having sex with an under age rabbit,apparntly he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention
bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 double whiskeys.downs them in one.barman says whats up?my youngest son has told me he is gay,next day samr thing but 15 double whiskeys and the same downs them all in one.whats up now?asks the barman,my eldest son has just told me he is gay,next day same thing but he orders 20 double whiskeys blood hell the barman says,does any one in your house like women?yes he says..."my wife"
A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
*Groans loudly* ::)You Have Golf Balls ??
*Groans loudly* ::)You Have Golf Balls ??
I just saw a poster on a tree saying: 'This is a photograph of our dog which is missing. If found please call us'
So I phoned them up and said, "I've just found the photograph of your dog."