Topic: JOKES PAGE!!

[Shytot]

Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson and says "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see ..."

Watson, rubbed his eyes, looked up and said " I see millions of stars Holmes"
"And what does that tell you Watson?"

"Well ... astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Horologically, I would guess at the time being around 03:15.
And meteorogically, I would estimate that tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day"

After a moment, he turned to Holmes ... "Why do you ask? What does it tell you?"

Holmes rubbed his chin, lit his pipe and then replied,

"Watson, someone has stolen our tent!"

[Cam]

A 6 year old  little boy was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said "That's good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role.

 

[AndyR]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
 
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
 
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers....

[AndyR]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes
by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up and
asks..........

''How many is a Brazillion ??!

=====================================

A bloke wants to have his wife assassinated so he can have the best of both worlds...His new girlfriend and the insurance from his dead wife.

He looks into hiring a hitman and is put in contact with a short, yet deadly looking man called Arty. Arty informs the man that it will cost £10,000 and that he will need some money up front as a type of down payment.

The man says to Arty that he only has £1 on him. Arty scratchy his chin and says, 'I'll take the pound'.

Later that week, the man's wife is shopping in Tesco's when Arty steps out from the fruit and veg section, grabs her by the throat and strangles her to death whilst no one is watching... At least 'no one' at first glance.

As Arty is stepping away from the body, he sees that the floor manager has seen him and Arty acts quickly... He steps up to the floor manager, and grabbing him, strangles him to death too.

Arty then makes his escape, but little does he know that he has been caught on camera and is inevitably caught later that evening.

The next day's newspaper reads...








...Arty chokes two for a pound at Tesco's.

[StrangerWithin]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes
by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up and
asks..........

''How many is a Brazillion ??!

O)

A bloke wants to have his wife assassinated so he can have the best of both worlds...His new girlfriend and the insurance from his dead wife.

He looks into hiring a hitman and is put in contact with a short, yet deadly looking man called Arty. Arty informs the man that it will cost £10,000 and that he will need some money up front as a type of down payment.

The man says to Arty that he only has £1 on him. Arty scratchy his chin and says, 'I'll take the pound'.

Later that week, the man's wife is shopping in Tesco's when Arty steps out from the fruit and veg section, grabs her by the throat and strangles her to death whilst no one is watching... At least 'no one' at first glance.

As Arty is stepping away from the body, he sees that the floor manager has seen him and Arty acts quickly... He steps up to the floor manager, and grabbing him, strangles him to death too.

Arty then makes his escape, but little does he know that he has been caught on camera and is inevitably caught later that evening.

The next day's newspaper reads...








...Arty chokes two for a pound at Tesco's.

[Cleo]

I love this thread...

[Pin]

Pmsl @ AndyR jokes

FAF

[AndyR]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
 
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
 
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
 
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.."

"I asked him what to give you. He said, f**k him. Give him a fiver."

She smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[StrangerWithin]

"I asked him what to give you. He said, f**k him. Give him a fiver."

FPMSL!!!

[AndrewR]

"I asked him what to give you. He said, f**k him. Give him a fiver."

FPMSL!!!

Ditto

[Rosie]

A man escapes from prison and breaks into a house. He finds a young couple in bed and ties the man to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck the gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,...do whatever he tells you, no matter how much it nauseates you. Thsi guy is dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you.'

His wife replied 'He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you too!'

[AndyR]

Paddy goes to B&Q to buy a bathtub. He takes the bathtub home and tries out.
 
The next day he's back in B&Q. He goes to the customer service desk and says 'It's this bathtub I bought. I can't seem to keep the water in the bath!'

The guy behind the counter says 'Have you tried a plug, Sir?'

Paddy replies 'Ah Jeez, I didn't realise it was an electric one!'

=============================================

Bloke goes to the doctors and says 'doctor I think I'm a moth!'

The doctor says 'You need the psychiatrist next door. Why have you come to see me?'

Bloke says 'Your light was on'.

=============================================

Whats red, about 6 inches and the ladies love it?
 
A fifty pound note!

=============================================

Question: Whats soft and wet on the inside, rough and hairy on the outside, begins with C, ends with T and has a U and a N in it???

Answer: A coconut (I bet you dirty minded so-and-so's got that one wrong!)

[AndyR]

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much - it scared the s**t out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

=============================

Larry la prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93.
The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in and then the trouble started...

=============================

Paul McCartney poem-:

We lay upon the grassy bank,
my hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river.

=================================

Whats the difference between a woman and a battery ?
A battery has a positive side.

=================================

Taxi driver says to his mate , "Here, I was driving along last night when I picked up a witch. I knew she was a witch 'cos when she rubbed her hand up and down my leg I turned into a lay by..."

=================================

Did you hear about the Irish toboggan team who wouldn't go down the hill untill it was gritted...?

=================================

What a day ive had...I woke up this morning and my bed was full of eggs - I'd overlayed!  I went down stairs and my wife was frying egg and bacon in her slippers! I thought I must stop being a tight wad and buy her some pans!

=================================

Bloke walks into a chemist "give me 3 condoms miss"
"Dont miss me" she said
"well give me four then" he said

=================================

[Patricia]

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an
observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The
following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast
resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as
informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of
debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of
the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is,
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends
to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to
all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -
Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.
20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

[Viscount Discount]

 

The Old Testament is just bonkers, isn't it?