Author Topic: JOKES PAGE!!  (Read 265193 times)

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Offline JapanFan

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #690 on: April 22, 2005, 17:09:04 PM »
class!  fpmsl!!  ;D
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Offline Simön Lé Brit † ™

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #691 on: April 26, 2005, 14:23:24 PM »
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Youre a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing ?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

 
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW ...FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA .... SLeB "Call Me Si everybody else does"

Offline HazyFanTazy

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #692 on: April 27, 2005, 07:15:04 AM »
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on thec*cktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Offline HazyFanTazy

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #693 on: April 27, 2005, 07:18:41 AM »
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the little rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks him what's wrong."I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he > > >hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label. It says:
(Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (This is bad!) (You know you could just click off and not read the punch line.) (You know you're gonna be sorry.) (Last chance.) (OK, here it is.) It says,

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave 

Offline icemaidnrebix

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #694 on: April 27, 2005, 07:23:28 AM »
LOL....... ;D ;D ;D.......
I love 80's music!. Who needs drugs and alcohol when you have music.  I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Offline JapanFan

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #695 on: April 27, 2005, 17:56:51 PM »
you should be ashamed of yourselves, the lot of you!!

But I for one am glad you're not!  lol!!   ;D ;D ;D
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Offline icemaidnrebix

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #696 on: April 28, 2005, 06:18:11 AM »
20 Ways To Maintain A Healty Level Of Insanity!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point your hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your bin on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Expresso.

6. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "For Sexual Favours".

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Hairdo.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON! I WON!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go!"
I love 80's music!. Who needs drugs and alcohol when you have music.  I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Offline HazyFanTazy

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #697 on: April 28, 2005, 07:19:22 AM »
brilliant  ;D ;D ;D

Offline Simön Lé Brit † ™

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #698 on: April 28, 2005, 09:49:54 AM »
My mother used #19 at least three times , funnily enough it seemed to coincide with each of our 17th birthdays   :o
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW ...FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA .... SLeB "Call Me Si everybody else does"

Offline JapanFan

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #699 on: April 28, 2005, 17:47:42 PM »
F*cking priceless, all of it ha ha!!!   ;D

but escpecially -

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

for some reason, I just spat my drink all over when I read that one!   :D ;D ;D
Tits like coconuts..........................       chaffinches like breadcrumbs

Offline rossco

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #700 on: May 09, 2005, 18:08:38 PM »
I was complimented on my driving the other day. I came back to my car and there was a note on the windscreen that said "Parking Fine.".. ::)
Enjoy life to the max.............

Offline Simön Lé Brit † ™

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #701 on: May 09, 2005, 23:58:58 PM »
The American Traffic Cop looking at my Licence complimented on my driving "Say Youre a pretty good Driver" He proclaimed "I am ?" I said , somewhat taken aback by his friendly tone "You sure are " he continued "Youve been endorsed three times"  ;)  ::)
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW ...FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA .... SLeB "Call Me Si everybody else does"

Offline rossco

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #702 on: May 11, 2005, 07:32:03 AM »
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 With all the sadness and trauma going on in the  world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very  important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Kokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the  coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.
Enjoy life to the max.............

Offline HazyFanTazy

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #703 on: May 11, 2005, 07:45:49 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D

Offline Simön Lé Brit † ™

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #704 on: May 11, 2005, 11:34:09 AM »
I went to the Doctors the other day. "Hello" he said "I havent seen you for a while" ..."I Know" I replied "Ive been Ill"  :D
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW ...FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA .... SLeB "Call Me Si everybody else does"