Topic: JOKES PAGE!!

[Lord Villa]

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden sthingy. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

"Well... yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women down below?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden sthingy threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"

[luckynickd]

The Great Flood of 2007

[/b][/u]

 

Epicentre: Rotherham, England.

 

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000

Racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".

 

The flood decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage. Several

priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the

Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical

burnt out cars were disturbed.

 

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio station

RotherFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and

bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something

interesting had happened in Rotherham. One resident, 15 year old

mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my

little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The

twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still

shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning". Locals were

determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried

on as normal.

 

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates

of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken

locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large

quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery

from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

 

Can You Help?

 

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the

victims of this disaster.

 

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sports socks

Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark

 

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your

efforts will make a difference.

 

Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or

Special Brew are ideal.

 

Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

 

Remember:

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

£2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's

nerves

 

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells

 

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing

will cause residents to believe they have been forcibly relocated to

Sheffield.

[Lord Villa]

LOL, true true 

[luckynickd]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows
her from.



So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my
kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my
bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Viscount Discount]

 

One for the staff room methinks, Cleo. 

[Pin]

[Cleo]

  

[AndrewR]

[luckynickd]

thankyouverymuch

[stevo2007]

Think Mexican....


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to

death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,

when all of a sudden. ..

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".


So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and

there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.


There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back

bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.


"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".


"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't

forget"



"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees

no meerage, ees a bacon tree".


And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5

metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine

gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is

mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe

with his dying breath.


"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..

Ees



Ees


Ees


Ees




Eees a Ham Bush

[Lord Villa]

[stevo2007]

[Vauxhall Victor]

Stevo's joke on a seperate thread reminded me of this one. Apologies if I've already told it here before.


A man is looking to get married, and he has a choice of three women. He can't decide which one to marry and settle down with, so he gives each woman £1000, and observes what they do with the money.
The first woman spends £900, and puts £100 in the bank.
The second woman spends £500, and puts £500 in the bank.
The third woman spends £100, and puts £900 in the bank.

Which woman does the man marry?







.........The one with the HUGE TITS!

[luckynickd]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 5 pounds.'


When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having
lost nearly 60 POUNDS!'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you
follow my instructions?'


The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by  jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead dat 3rd day.'


'From hunger, you mean?'


'No, from de bloody skippin'!'

[stevo2007]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween fancy
dress party and not sure what to wear to hide his baldness and his wooden
leg, he writes to a fancy dress company for advice.

A few days later, a parcel arrives with a pirate's costume and a letter
which said, 'Dear sir, thank you for your letter, please find enclosed a
pirate outfit. The spotted handkerchief can be used to cover your head
and you will look the part because of your wooden leg.'

The man was very angry about this because all the company had done was to emphasise his wooden leg, and so wrote them a very snotty letter in return.

Several days later, another parcel arrived along with a covering letter,
which read, ' Dear sir, we apologise for any offence we may have caused
you and hereby enclose a monk's habit for you to wear. We feel the long
robe will suitably cover your wooden leg and your bald head will be in
keeping as a monk!"

The man was livid because the company had simply shifted the emphasis
from his wooden leg to his bald head and so wrote them another angry letter of complaint.

A few days later another parcel arrived along with a letter. He opened
the parcel to find a jar of soft caramel.
He read the letter which said, 'We recommend you pour the contents of
the jar over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple'