Topic: JOKES PAGE!!

[Wham Bam]

 

*waits for Cleo's response!

[stevo2007]

 

[stevo2007]

Q: What's an Essex girls favorite wine?
A: aw go-on take me to lakeside please please go-on take me


Q:How do you know when an Essex girl's had an orgasm?
A: She drops her bag of chips.

Q:What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of it's own

 

[Wham Bam]

 

*now awaits Shreddies response 

[Cleo]

--The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

--There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


--When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

--You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

--During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

--According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

[Pin]

* Awaits my response













Stevo & Cleo     

[snappycat]

* Awaits my response

 

[Wham Bam]

Dunno if we've had this one before, but....



A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but something
happened.  I'm trying to break this gently but your thingy was chopped
off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be
alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will
work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it
doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many
inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a
nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she
might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in
helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the
next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have." says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has" says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor. . . . . . . .

"We're having a new kitchen".

[luckynickd]

 

[stevo2007]

Whats a "thingy"

[Wham Bam]

Whats a "thingy"

You must have your parental controls switched on!

[stevo2007]

lets see.....


knob, cock,willy



nope not on

[Wham Bam]

9 Terms Women use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[stevo2007]

 

[stevo2007]

Dear Miriam,

The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual.

I hadn't gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car juddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husbands help. When I got home I found him in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie because he couldn't find any of his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he has been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him it had to stop, or I would leave him.

He was made redundant from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant, and I don't feel I can get through to him any more. Please can you help ?

Mrs J, Hatfield.



Miriam says .....

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.