Author Topic: JOKES PAGE!!  (Read 230981 times)

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Offline Anj

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #960 on: November 24, 2007, 17:54:11 PM »
Love the joke Andrea  O0
I would go out tonight but I haven't got a stitch to wear ...

Offline Viscount Discount

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #961 on: November 24, 2007, 19:52:08 PM »
If you liked that one Anj I have some other crackers!!

Scotland 0 Lithuania 1
Scotland 2 Faroe Islands 2
Holland 6 Scotland 0

 ;D ;D ;D
Bang bang, the mighty fall ...

Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #962 on: November 24, 2007, 20:31:50 PM »
bloke marrys a deaf girl.one day he says we must have a code for sex.i will stroke your left breast when i want it.and you pull my c++k 150 times for no.


they are replacing the three lions on the england shirt to three tampons,because its the worst period england have had.


a bloke walks in to the chemist and ask where are the tampons are?the women said over there by the cotton wool,he then comes back with cotton wool and some cardboard tubes,the women said i thought you wanted tampons?he then said i asked her today  to get me some cigarettes and she came back with baccy,sod her she can roll her own.

Happy Days.

Offline Anj

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #963 on: November 24, 2007, 22:05:38 PM »
Ok Viscy, this could be WAR!

There are fears that a new strain of blue tongue has been found after 11 disorientated and disillusioned donkeys were seen trotting aimlessly around the Wembley area of London on Wednesday night!  O0
I would go out tonight but I haven't got a stitch to wear ...

Offline Viscount Discount

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #964 on: November 30, 2007, 16:39:48 PM »
Donkeys they may be but they managed to score more than 'your' lot.

Are you actually Scottish, Anj, or just a 'Rod Stewart'?  ::) :-X
Bang bang, the mighty fall ...

Offline luckynickd

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #965 on: December 08, 2007, 11:39:20 AM »
 During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
     "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teasthingy, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
     "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the sthingy or the teacup."
     "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do
you want a bed near the window?"
 
 
     ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

Offline Pin

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #966 on: December 08, 2007, 11:51:58 AM »
 :2funny: ;D :2funny:

And you have a bed ??

My room is lovely no furniture like but cosy  >:D

Offline Wham Bam

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #967 on: December 08, 2007, 11:53:14 AM »
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.

The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers

accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES

Name _____________________________

Nickname__________________________

Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie

for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 Bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each Bitch

perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How

many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife

spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his

money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre,

how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint

free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his

brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled

when he gets whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name___________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________

(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School _______________________________________________

Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old

man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim

and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance

settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer

goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to

Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left

to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the

other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws

up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much

does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he

fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third

week. When will he stand for parliament?
Put on your red shoes & dance the blues

Offline bigbaldbloke

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #968 on: January 19, 2009, 19:18:45 PM »
The thought processes involved by the respective genders when asked if they'd like to go out for a drink:


Offline snappycat

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #969 on: January 19, 2009, 19:23:49 PM »
i am shocked at the inaccuracy of that bbb... :o

it doesn't even show hairstyle, make up, jewellery..... :2funny:
I'll protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampires from your door....

Offline bigbaldbloke

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #970 on: January 19, 2009, 20:10:24 PM »
Or the 3 bottles of vino that you polish off whilst getting ready.

Offline Lord Villa

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #971 on: January 20, 2009, 14:27:50 PM »
Very true, BBB  O0

Offline snappycat

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #972 on: March 31, 2009, 22:58:25 PM »
Little Johnny is sitting in his english class

the teacher says "English is a funny language, you have positive words and negative words, sometimes you can use two negative words to make a positive but you can never use two positive words to make a negative."

Little Johnny thinks for a while then says

"Yeah, right"

 :2funny:

I'll protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampires from your door....

Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #973 on: June 10, 2009, 12:13:34 PM »
i have heard Michael Jackson has skin cancer.

"all together now"
"don't blame it on the sunshine"
Happy Days.

Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #974 on: June 10, 2009, 13:10:37 PM »
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh....

either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Happy Days.