Topic: JOKES PAGE!!

[JASON]

Tampax did change the string for tinsel-but they're back to normal now because it was for the christmas period only

UGHHHHHHHHH

PMSL REALLY!

[bigbaldbloke]

Isn't the Madge one that bloke from The Darkness (boo! Hiss!)?

[Cleo]

I'd have to see more than just the head and shoulders to make a final decision on that BBB  

[JASON]

BLONDES........

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: You can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

[JASON]

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "As you wish," the genie replied.

So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat...
.....................................................................................................................................

If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

......................................................................................................................................

A man comes home from work one day to find his girlfriend at the front with her bags packed and ready to leave.
The man asks, "why are you leaving?" she replies "word around the neighbourhood is that your a peadophile."
He answers "That's a pretty big word for a six year old.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[bigbaldbloke]

An old man is walking along the beach with his faithful but decrepit dog, Bob. He finds an old lamp, picks it up & rubs it. The genie from Jason's above joke appears & grants him one wish.

The old man says "well, I've enough money, my wife has passed away & I want no replacement, the house is bought & paid for, I can't think of anything". He looks around & his gaze settles on his dog. "Bob, good old faithful Bob. He's got 3 legs, no nose, 1 eye & his fur's dropping out. I'll tell you my wish, Genie. I wish for Bob to be as good as new"

The genie looks at the ancient, bedraggled dog & says "Alas, even my powers have their limits. I beg you Master, wish for something else"

The old man considers this for a full minute, then says "well the only other passion I have is for football. I'll tell you my wish. Make my team, Liverpool, win the Premiership", to which the genie looks him in the eye, ponders a moment, then says "give us another look at that dog!"

[JASON]

I'll get you back for that....lol

[andrea]

A mans dog gets runover-he runs into the nearest vets and puts it on the table
The vet looks at it and tells the man his dog is dead
Unable to accept this the owner asks for a 2nd opinion,so the vet brings a cat in and puts it on the table-the cat sniffs the dog and wanders off.
The vet tells the owner again his dog is dead,who demands another opinion.
The vet brings in a labrador who sniffs the dead dog and wanders off.
"OK says the owner I accept my dog is dead"
The vet tells him his bill is £500.
"£500 to tell me my dog is dead?"says the owner
"No"said the vet"Thats for the cat scan and lab tests"

[JASON]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash," She said matter-of-factly.
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting
away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh sh-it."
...............................................................................................................................
Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time  just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty  nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it............. and the blonde doesn't."

[Salcia]

A guy finds a magic lamp and gives it a rub (as you do).  The genie appeared and said "your wish is my command".  The guy says "I want my willy to touch the floor" so the genie cut his legs off...

[AndyR]

Can you believe they are making a film about the life of Harold Shipman?

Starring Anthony Hopkins as Shipman.

It's called Silence of the Grans.

Not wanting to be left out, Mel Gibson and Dany Glover are chipping in with their own version

Lethal Injection

======================================================

Q: Whats the difference between Dr. Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
A: Dr. Shipman actually did something about waiting lists

======================================================

MEN STRIKE BACK!!!!!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. These are our rules.
all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl now. If it's up put it down. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us Bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is not a sport. And NO we are never going to think of it in that way.

1. Crying is blackmail

1.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear about this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! just say it.

1.Most guys own 3 pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of thirty would look good with your dress?.

1. Yes & No are perfectly accecptable answers to almost every question.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact all comments become null & void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably. are don't ask us, we refuse to answer.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1.If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong, and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is not worth the hassle.

1. When we go out together, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1.You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. no NO you really do have too many shoes.

1.I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

=============================================

I shall seek and find you.I shall take you to bed and control you. Iwill make you ache, shake, and sweat untill you grunt and groan......All my love the flu..xx

=============================================

What do cows say when it's cold outside?

It's freisian out here!

=============================================

What happened to the short sighted circumcisionist?

He got the sack!

============================================

The Queen Mother arrives at the pearly gates of heaven and is greeted by Princess Diana. "Thank you so much for coming to meet me dear" she says as she's looking around.
"I can see this is a wonderful place and I'm going to really enjoy being here. Tell me though, how long does one have to be here before getting one of those lovely halos?"
"Are you taking the mick?" Diana retorts "Thats a steering wheel!"

[PG_Tips]

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board,  but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Jonny Wilkinson, the best flyhalf in Britain. The English need me, it would be unfair to them if I died".

So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Graca Machel, says, "I am the wife of the former President of South Africa. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world."

She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
 
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to  die."  

So he takes a parachute and jumps.
 
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".

The boy replies "No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you.America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

[AndrewR]

[JASON]

Cute little 5-year old Tiffany comes home from Nursery and says to her mother:
"Mummy, Tommy's thingy is like a peanut".

Her mother, a little surprised, asks:
"why? is it because it's so small, darling?".

"No,", answers Tiffany, "because it's so salty"...

.....................................................................................................................

[JASON]

Harry's Exam

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
"Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Fire truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."