Author Topic: JOKES PAGE!!  (Read 227216 times)

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Offline Onehitwonder

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #30 on: December 01, 2003, 22:00:45 PM »
good ones andy r
love the short and effective ones too

Offline AndyR

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #31 on: December 02, 2003, 16:52:36 PM »
God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.

"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

=============================

Some deep thoughts for you...

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

=========================

With all the recent talk of cloning, you'd think it was a new thing.
But in fact, a very wealthy bloke had himself cloned many years ago.
The boy grew up to have very foul and disgusting mouth - the more the son swore, the madder the father got.
One day, the father got so mad he pushed his son off a high cliff.
The police arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.

=========================

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking with the boys and spending all his money.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her just a little out of the corner of his left eye.
"There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment. How often, or on what system, the Thought Police plugged in on any individual wire was guesswork. It was even conceivable that they watched everybody all the time. George Orwell, 1984

Offline AndrewR

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #32 on: December 02, 2003, 18:50:31 PM »
New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

Offline AndrewR

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #33 on: December 02, 2003, 19:09:56 PM »
If _____ Made Toasters  

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.

Offline AndrewR

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #34 on: December 02, 2003, 19:15:30 PM »
Inventions by Idiots

1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.

Offline AndyR

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #35 on: December 02, 2003, 22:42:55 PM »
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting
through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......


BUMP........
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement,
through the driving rain,
he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into
his road.
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes,
as the box approached
from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape
more clearly....It was
a
coffin.


Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head
down and started
walking briskly home.
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started
walking faster.........
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BUMP........BUMP......
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BUMP........BUMP......
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BUMP........BUMP......
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The coffin was closing with his every step, he
started to jog, but he heard
the coffin speed up after him......
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BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
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BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
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BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
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He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
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BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
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BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
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BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....
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Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew
the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he
pulled out his keys, his
hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived
inside slamming the
front door behind him. He shot into his front room,
and slumped into
his comfy chair.


Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin
smashed its way through the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock
off the coffin allowing
the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it
continued its chase.....
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his
shaking legs could take
him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the
door........
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BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the
landing and launched
itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash,
the bathroom door flew
off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to
approach the young
terrified lad.
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached
for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw
it at the
coffin.......still it came ........
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it
........still it came......
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
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He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still
it came......
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
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The coffin stopped.

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:D ;D ::) ;D :D
.
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"There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment. How often, or on what system, the Thought Police plugged in on any individual wire was guesswork. It was even conceivable that they watched everybody all the time. George Orwell, 1984

Offline JASON

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #36 on: December 02, 2003, 22:55:53 PM »
how did i know a cough mixture would finish that?? ::)

Offline JASON

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #37 on: December 17, 2003, 23:53:40 PM »
WHAT WAS THE FIRST WORDS THAT SADDAM HUSSEIN SPOKE WHEN HE CAME OUT THE HOLE??
..
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DID I BEAT DAVID BLAINE??

Offline AndyR

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #38 on: December 18, 2003, 02:15:02 AM »
Good one Jason!

Well, one of these should raise a smile...!

NEW CASHPOINT MACHINES[/u]

Please note that with the arrival of the new Drive-thru cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember it for when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Re-check make-up
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
27 Release hand brake.

------------------------------------------

...so she said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."
I thought to myself "That's a turn-up for the books."...

------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

------------------------------------------

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

------------------------------------------

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
She shot herself in the left kneecap

------------------------------------------

A wig went into a bar and ordered a pint of lager. When the barman refused to serve him, the wig asks why.
"Because you're off your head, " replies the barman.

------------------------------------------

Q: Whats long and thin and covered in skin? Pink in parts and u shove it in tarts?
A: Rhubarb

------------------------------------------

Paddy decided to go hitchhiking for a holiday.
So he left early to avoid the traffic.

------------------------------------------

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring...... :o
"There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment. How often, or on what system, the Thought Police plugged in on any individual wire was guesswork. It was even conceivable that they watched everybody all the time. George Orwell, 1984

Offline Onehitwonder

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #39 on: December 18, 2003, 05:16:58 AM »
lol  ;D ;D ;D    10 points for that !


Offline JASON

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #40 on: December 18, 2003, 21:14:49 PM »
pmsl....nice one!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline physicalbabe

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #41 on: December 19, 2003, 20:31:29 PM »
It is a well known fact that the male reindeer loose there antlers come the winter, and the female reindeer will keep hers until the sping until she has given birth

so rudolf ,blitzen etc were all female !!!


makes sense

Only a women could pull a fat bugger in a red suit round the world in one night and not get lost!!!


Not a joke i know but it put a smile on my face
;D

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN JAY!!!!

Offline bigbaldbloke

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #42 on: December 19, 2003, 20:33:02 PM »
lol @ SPING!!!!!

Offline AndyR

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #43 on: December 22, 2003, 00:17:30 AM »
Some helpful hints for all those who frequent these boards...

* If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

* Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

* Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

* Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

* Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside at Blackpool by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

* Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

* Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

* Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

* Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

* Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

* Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a sthingyful of lard.

* Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

* Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

* Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

* Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply urinating in the sink.

* Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next cigarette from the butt of your last one.

* Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

* Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

* Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

* High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

* Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

* Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

* Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

* Have all your bowel movements at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it

* Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
"There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment. How often, or on what system, the Thought Police plugged in on any individual wire was guesswork. It was even conceivable that they watched everybody all the time. George Orwell, 1984

Offline JASON

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #44 on: December 22, 2003, 00:20:21 AM »
Quote
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.  


FPMSL ;D ;D ;D ;D