Topic: JOKES PAGE!!

[~Rio~]

   man gives blood to save his girlfriends life , later they split up, and he says ' i want the blood back'.
   so, she throws a used tampon at him and says ' l'll pay you back monthly ya bas***d'   

[Onehitwonder]

why do i think that was'nt an actual joke ....but very common practice 


here we go : this was chosen as the best small joke award of the year from ..errrr, somewhere :

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
 "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"     
 "Not yet," she replied.


well i'm offended       ..surely this starts at around 2 years of age !

[icemaidnrebix]

Got this mail this morning and nearly choked on my coffee...hope you like it as much as I did...

Women Of The World Beware!!!!!

Here's hoping this hasn't happened to any of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a heads-up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have.

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not.

It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal.

Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.

Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning.

In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.

That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again.

Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs .. and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR WOMEN FRIENDS!!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. 

[jaxx]

bad   you could have said a nicer word than the C U NEXT TUESDAY WORD  god i hate that nasty nasty word

[Onehitwonder]

Thoughts  to Ponder... 


Can you cry under  water?

How important does a  person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just  murdered?

If money doesn't grow  on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square,  then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to  "put your two cents in"..  .  but it's only a "penny for
your  thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven,  do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for  eternity?

Why does a round pizza  come in a square box?

What disease did cured  ham actually have?

How is it that we put  man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on  luggage?

Why is it that people  say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two  hours?

If a deaf person has  to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at  work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a  movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to  go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the  ground?

How come we choose  from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave  the room while you change?  They're going to see you
naked  anyway.

If a 911 operator has  a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular  and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people  get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first  person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here,  and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always  have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human  being would eat?

Why is there a light  in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is  taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
smile?  If you are  stopped by the police and asked for your license, are
you going to be  smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn  and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying  a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on  Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in  a boat?

Why do people point to  their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they  ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand  erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both
dogs!

What do you call male  ballerinas?

Can blind people see  their dreams?  Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had  enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy  dinner?

If corn oil is made  from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made  from?

If electricity comes  from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the  only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why does the Alphabet  song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Why did you just try  singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an  asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in  your butt?

Did you ever notice  that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him  for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

[Rosie]

ROFLOL!! Great points there OHW!! 

bad you could have said a nicer word than the C U NEXT TUESDAY WORD god i hate that nasty nasty word

Me too jaxx, hun 

[rossco]

Daughters are curious~~~
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mummy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mummy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

 

[AndyR]

Different types of sex...

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

============================================

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

============================================

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge then goto bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed then goto the fridge!

============================================

[HazyFanTazy]

A young Catholic fella goes to confession and says:

"Father Wally, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had intimate relations wit' Fanny Green every week ,for der last month." Wally tells the sinner: "You are forgiven, my son. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Fadder, it has been over two months since my last confession. I have had der sex with Fanny Green twice a week for der last two months."

This time Wally's curiosity is such that he asks: "Who is dis Fanny Green, den?" "A new woman in der neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well", sighs Wally the priest, "go on so and say ten Hail Marys."

At Mass the next morning, as the Father prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead-gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest! Her dress is green and very, very short, with matching shiny emerald green heels.

Old Wally and the altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

Wally turns to the altar boy and whispers: "Is dat Fanny Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe what he's heard but replies: "No, I just tink it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

[HazyFanTazy]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

10% of women think their ass is too little...

85% of women think their ass is too big...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway

[AndyR]

. What do you call a chav in a box?...................Innit.

2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?........Sorted

3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?........Safe

4. What do you call an Eskimo chav?.........Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?................They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call the Chavette in a white tracksuit?.................The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?..............It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?............One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?..............What you lookin' at?

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?.................Paint three stripes or a tick on it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any booming music. Who's driving?..................The police

12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?...................An imposter.

13. Who is the chavs patron saint?.........................St Elizabeth Duke of Argos

14. What do you say to a chav with a job?..................Can I have a Big Mac please

15. What do you say to a chav in a suit?...................Will the defendant please stand

16. What do u call a knife previously owned by a chav?.................Exhibit A

17. Why is 4 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova such a shame?..............The Nova seats 5

18. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?...........Granny.

19. How many chavs does it take to change a light bulb?...................One, They'll s.crew anything.

20. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?...............A start.

21. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor?.........None, "Dat's some uvver bleeders job innit."

22. Why did the chav take a shower?.........He didn't mean to, the Nova's window jammed in the car wash.

23. Why did the Chav cross the road?...............To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

24. Whats a chavs favorite animal..................A little alligator.

25. What do you call a Chav at college?................The cleaner.

26. Two chavs jump off Beachy Head, who wins? .................Society.

27. Whats a chavs dream of hell................eternity in last years tracksuit.

=======================================

A group of angry protesters have smashed all the windows at Old Trafford. There wasn't a great deal of panic, coz the Glazers are on their way!!

[icemaidnrebix]

AKMSL... ...cracking jokes AndyR...

[icemaidnrebix]

Funny Bumper Stickers

The gene pool could use a little chlorine

All generalisations are false

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once

I love cats...they taste just like chicken

Out of my mind..back in 5 minutes

(on an old beat up car): This is not an abandoned vehicle

Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons..

Born free..taxed to death

Cover me..I'm changing lanes...

[Cleo]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[Rubikscube]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesnt have much luck until, one day;

he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
asks the seller

how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and its going to rain,

rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands
Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off, throws her on the table, and has sex with her, in front of
her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious
and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.


Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
thats enough, Ill do the damn dishes"