Topic: JOKES PAGE!!

[stevo2007]

Rocket lauches from Houston to Mars with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

Houston calls first monkey: adjust oxygen 20 per cent, stop radar, phase to warp.
Monkey 1 : ok done

Houston calls Monkey2: switch off engine 3,and start radiation shield, adjust anti gravitational throttle,
Monkey 2 : ok done

Houston to woman: Feed the monkeys and dont f*****g touch anything

[snappycat]

Stevo, are you LV in disguise? 

[stevo2007]

  no definitely not

[Cleo]

He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don't you?


He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said: We don't know; it has never happened.

He said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said: They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said ... A widow.

[Wham Bam]

 

[stevo2007]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife   is
lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a    headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep


What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstickandsmelling   of
perfume,Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,fatty."


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift
in   the  driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6    seconds
AND IT HAD BETTER BE    THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up
the box.
She opened it and    found a brand new bathroom scale.



oldies but goodies

[Cleo]

Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."

Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.

[This Charming Man]

A penguin walked into a bar and says to the barman, "was my bother in here last night?"

The barman replied, "I dunno, what does he look like?" 

[luckynickd]

Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."

Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.

hahaha - apart from housework joke

[Pin]

Cleo 
stevo 
Cleo 

[stevo2007]

An old girlfriend rang me up totally out of the blue, we chatted for a while and it became apparent that we were both now single.
We were getting on like a house on fire and the old feelings for her were coming flooding back, anyway I joked that over the years I had got a few grey hairs and gained a few pounds, it was to only be expected.

She giggled and said that she to had gained a few pounds............






























So I hung up

[Cleo]

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

Why don't men wear tight underwear? It cuts off circulation to the brain!

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

[stevo2007]

"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich." the bachelor said.
"Oh, well, then you have to get married four times."


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!


What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.


Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

 

[Cleo]

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband: Honey, when I die, will you marry again?

Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude.

Husband: Will you let him drive my car?

Wife: Well, I think so.

Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits?

Wife: No, he is shorter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.

Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.

Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.

[stevo2007]

Ten Reasons Why A Gun Is Better Than Awoman



#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.