Author Topic: JOKES PAGE!!  (Read 231243 times)

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Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #975 on: June 19, 2009, 20:37:32 PM »
Muslim terrorists are now thinking twice about blowing themselves up with the promise of virgins in paradise.. Apparently they got a look at Susan Boyle.and were horrified to see what a virgin actually looks like!
Happy Days.

Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #976 on: August 03, 2009, 14:31:35 PM »
Fairy liquid's new advert is set on a council estate "mummy why are your hands so soft ? " "because i'm only 14 now shut the feck up and eat your pot noodle!"



My house was broken into last night. Bastards stole crisps, pot-noodles, biscuits, sweets, peanuts etc. Fecking snack heads!!!


BROADMOOR KAROKE FINAL: 3rd PLACE: Rose West with --"Under The Boardwalk." 2nd PLACE: Peter Sutcliffe with -- "If I had a Hammer." 1st PLACE: Harold Shipman with -- "A sthingy full of sugar makes the medicine go down"
Happy Days.

Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #977 on: August 15, 2009, 10:48:30 AM »
 A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Happy Days.

Offline Pin

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #978 on: August 15, 2009, 12:01:07 PM »
Nice one Dava

Offline StrangerWithin

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #979 on: August 15, 2009, 12:11:32 PM »
A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


*Groans loudly* ::)


I have the body of a 19 year old. I keep it in the fridge.......................

Offline Pin

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #980 on: August 15, 2009, 12:27:44 PM »

Offline StrangerWithin

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #981 on: August 15, 2009, 14:44:05 PM »


I have the body of a 19 year old. I keep it in the fridge.......................

Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #982 on: August 21, 2009, 10:55:42 AM »
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" The child whispered " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
Happy Days.

Offline Lord Villa

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #983 on: August 21, 2009, 12:54:26 PM »
LOL, Nice one Davo  O0

Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #984 on: December 12, 2009, 16:07:38 PM »
Just bought a great game for the X box. It's about a blackman who drives round shagging leg spreaders, uses violence involving metal bars, crashes cars and evades the police. It's called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09.


How to make programs more interesting:
- Alzheimer's Wife Swap
- Dyslexic Countdown
- Jewish Big Brother
- Zimbabwe Special : Meal or No Meal
- Parkinsons Disease - Ready Steady Cook


What will you get when Hull City are relegated?
10,000 more Chelsea fans.
Happy Days.

Offline AndyR

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #985 on: February 03, 2010, 00:21:12 AM »
My girlfriend has asked me to upgrade our internet security, after I uploaded a virus to her inbox.

She also asked me to stop using nerdy metaphors.
==================================================
I heard a burglar downsairs last night, so I phoned the police.

"What the f*** do you want us to do about it?" asked Sting.
==================================================
Stephen Hawking was always picked last for the school football team even
though he is a good dribbler.
"There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment. How often, or on what system, the Thought Police plugged in on any individual wire was guesswork. It was even conceivable that they watched everybody all the time.Ē George Orwell, 1984

Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #986 on: June 17, 2010, 11:41:32 AM »
i send £2 a month to starving africans,and they go and buy feckin trumpets..........
Happy Days.

Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #987 on: September 17, 2010, 12:48:26 PM »
after only 3 days
in prison george michael has been found with a chocolate bar stuck up
his bum ,a prison spokesman has said that he was careless with his wispa
Happy Days.

Offline dava

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #988 on: January 09, 2011, 21:51:24 PM »
So my wife was nagging me earlier claiming I can never finish anything I start.

I told her she was completely mistaken, as I opened Day 2 of my Advent Calendar.

Everyone always accuses me of being sexist.

I don't know why, i never make jokes about women being Kitchen slaves or anything.

Everyone knows that men are much better chefs.


My wife told me to get on the internet and buy something that makes me last longer in bed.

I've ordered sleeping pills.

Most people agree that naming me Tarquin was the single cruellest act that my parents have ever committed.

But not my sister, Bernard.


My psoriasis problem has got so bad I think Im about to lose my job over it.

Boss says my E45 is in the post.
Happy Days.

Offline Viscount Discount

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Re: JOKES PAGE!!
« Reply #989 on: January 28, 2011, 01:16:31 AM »
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I've always been the kind of person who likes to think outside of the box. Although it has harmed my career as a goalkeeper.

One-armed butlers - they can take it but they canít dish it out!

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

[one for Pinny here]  I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went to a record shop and I said , What have you got by The Doors? The bloke said a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher.

When my grandfather was seriously ill my gran decided to rub lard all over his back. After that he went down hill very quickly.

When I told Joseph Fritzl that women were like a fine wine, I'm not sure he quite understood.



 
Bang bang, the mighty fall ...