Topic: JOKES PAGE!!

[stevo2007]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[stevo2007]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the
boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that nuts?"
I still don't know if she was joking....

[kikker]

 A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on
the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the nuts out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[kikker]

 This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was
cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.
Finally, one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical
relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she
was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy went to Cindy
and said, "I'm having this problem... Its kind of a guy thing, but I
need to ask you a favor." Cindy said "Okay." The guy said "Can I borrow
your eyebrow pencil?" and Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said
"sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil." The guy then said "Do you mind
if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustach on you?" Cindy is getting a
little worried, but says "Okay." Then the guy said "Can you wear some of
my guy clothing, I need for you to look more like a man?" Cindy is getting a
little disappointed at this point, but says "Well I guess so." Then the guy
says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?" Cindy, very dejected,
says "I guess not."

So the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says "Fred --
You won't believe who I have been sleeping with these past 4 months!!!"

[Onehitwonder]

* another doin' the rounds 



Pavorotti knocks on the pearly gates

St Peter opens them and says 'oh it's you Luciano, come on in. squeeze through'.

Pavarotti says 'hold on, i've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'

St Peter opens it up and reads it.

'Here’s that tenor I owe you.’

 

[Pin]

Yes that has been doing the rounds 

Thats the 3^rd version I've heard now

T'is a ..................

Sharp intake followed by a giggle 

[kikker]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't
know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked
under the sheets as her husband undresses in the
darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be
reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis
your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you,
I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss
anyting you want. You juss ask... so... whatchu
want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly
whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard
about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtable? "

[kikker]

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Men are like linoleum: Lay them once right and you can walk on them for the next 20 years.

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
3
Men are like snowstorms: You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.

Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough.

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.

[walvis]

Women are like hurricanes, when they come they are wet and wild, when they go they take your house and car.


**sorry girls**

[obsdoc]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as
>a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
>
>She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
>had any odd jobs for her to do.
>
>"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much
>will you charge me?"
>
>The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?"
>
>The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
>was in the garage.
>
>The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
>realize that our porch goes all the way around the house? "
>
>He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
>
>The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
>dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
>
>A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
>
>You're finished already?" the husband asked.
>
>"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
>coats."
>
>Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to
>her.
>
>"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
>

[snappycat]

   

[Lord Villa]

Two guys talking in a bar,

Guy A  - I have something to tell you, this may come as a big shock
Guy B -  What is it?
Guy A - I'm gay and I want to be a woman, I'm having a sex change operation.
GUY B clearly shocked - Don't they have to chop off your nuts and your winkle
Guy A - Oh, not at all, they're going to make my mouth bigger and my brain smaller

 

Sorry, Ladies

[walvis]

 It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Salvadore]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops so she decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful custard slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

The woman saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your Husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care & you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.



The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg, he's dead. What'd you buy?"

[Lord Villa]

LOL, Salvadore and Walvis, thought the Izzard fans won't appreciate them.